this is a space that has been under-used for some time. recently exploring tumblr and spending enough time on my regular favourite blogs leaves spamming this place with miscellaneous *cool* things just seems redundant now. it seems more likely now that if I’m gonna post anything here its going to hopefully be of some substance (if not for you then at least for me).
that being said. I’m freshly home from the surrender conference (see http://surrender.org.au/ and be there in 2012) and i need to open the valve on this vent in an attempt at processing some of this stuff. here we go eh!
now i don’t know where to start
blah
lets start with where i’ve been. i’m going to try to summarize some things that i don’t know if i have really been able to put into words, or even realize before this weekend. THIS is part of the journey, and for me is huge, and it has very little to do with the message…
I had… we had… gah… there were some hard decisions to be made, about young adults mostly… it was hard. really hard. but the goal was always more, something bigger, something that made sense. People were hurt, and even in the process leading up to it, things were said to me, about me etc. that left me in a weird state of numbness. It’s hard hey, no matter what kind of place or set of “intentions” that it comes out of, it’s just been so apparent to me that the thing you learn about the power of words and what they do to people. I had the privilege of being able to listen to some monks (yeah, freaking monks! holy heck! it’s a thing, local, baptist, monks! and they were amazing), and I’ll probably return to what they said again (continuously), but for the relevant, pertinent part here, these monks talked about some studies that showed the following:
“intense focus
changes matter”
i knew it to be true already, but the way they presented it was refreshing. by “matter” they’re talking about the world, about stuff, and this includes you and me, it includes our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. this is a big deal. negativity is unbelievably dangerous, and positivity is so valuable.
(apologies, as i realize i haven’t got anyway with here… this helps to shake off the uncommitted anyway, so I don’t mind. for those of you tl;dr-ers… give up, turn back, right now)
so anyway, whatever the words were, that doesn’t matter to you, but they took hold in some way.
it wasn’t just this… i have become aware that i am ever so much my own worst critic. it is so much easier to believe the things that are said when you have this mindset. this is something i think the monk’s teachings will help me out with as well, as i really investigate what it is to love who i am… what i am… even the hard stuff…
so yeah… anyway… i felt stale, stagnant, and as though i was disappointing everybody. turns out… keeping everybody happy… can’t be my responsibility hey. hard though. it’s hard to care so much about so many people, and not be in a position to do that justice. to show them. to be there for them.
anyway. so to some degrees i’m a few-relationships-down at the moment. it has been interesting because i’ve been well looked after and well loved by a few that stick close and seem to be closer especially when i didn’t even know that i needed them. be it the love of my amazing woman, meaningful interactions or weird moments with friends at uni, especially when it’s not necessarily their turf, or just some good folks that will let me vent, rave, jabber on, or just abide, even when i didn’t really know what it was about yet.
these folks, are my mob. these are my brethren. these are my family. their importance has never been so apparent as it is after spending time in community at surrender, if only through having my eyes opened by the elders, by the more mature commune-rs, and those monks.
i also feel that my time at surrender has hopefully begun to expand the mob further, be it a planted seed, a surprise friendship or just space to network with people who have so much to impart. not really ready to have left because i can tell that there is still SO much knowledge that i want to grab on to. just soaking in what it is that these folks are equipped with and carry with them, just through proximity, I feel, has been transformative. whether they feel like they know me well enough or not to read this entry, I don’t really mind, but I have loved coming home from stuff like this and then chasing up all the people I can find on facebook (whose names i can remember or whose details i have enough of to ACTUALLY find them), because as silly as that sounds, i hope it encourages them or at least causes a smile. (also I hope it’s a little bit different to the alternative of… “BLOODY STALKERS, LEAVE ME ALONE”… but still a viable outcome in the mind of a hyper-self-critical person)
so as you can see… i’m actually feeling pretty pretty positive. i feel this is an achievement when i survey the average state of “the mob”… sure, some of the introverts were a foregone conclusion, but still! (much love anyway btw! don’t worry you exhaustible folk, process things your way! i’m just teasing!). This is partially my personality but also a lot to do with a melting of the melancholy that has been persistently sticking around. one of the things that tipped me off was that i actually found myself excited by and getting into worship music that, even at my best, probably wouldn’t meet my unreasonable and silly “high standards”… (i use the term loosely) i was taken back on the first day, after only a few sessions, my outlook changed. i forgot what it felt like to have something to give, and i forgot how to receive. but in a day, it was back, at least some of it, was back. makes a difference to just not even feeling compulsion, let alone connection. yay for connection. but more than connection. a challenge too. revelation. of things i already knew. it’s not about quality, but when you’re down it is so easy to blame the quality – the musos, the organizers… you know? i wish i could say never again… but i can’t promise that.
anyway. enough about pre-surrender… i just wanted to illustrate how much change occurred outside of the what you would expect at surrender. expectations definitely aren’t everything, but having them and more met, is a blessing
so i guess while other parts of the time might still come back to my own *stuff*, there was plenty that just wasn’t about me. i guess that’s what surrender, “the beauty of surrender” (which is something that has REALLY stuck with me, even if it’s been said before and undervalued), both the conference and the personal act.
look, this is getting crazy. i don’t write this much in an entire semester of university, but i need to stop. i thought i’d get it all out in one shot. no dice. i didn’t plan this, but i’m gonna have to make at least another entry.
the other thing is guys, if this is gonna get a little bit more serious, then i’m thinking i’ll remove the facebook connectivity of this blog after this post. I’m still happy if you want to come and read, and subscribing will always be an option. But this isn’t the sort of stuff that is easy to plaster all over facebook. there is only so much sleeve time that the average heart is meant to have, at least at this time.
God bless. talk to you soon?
